**Possible Trigger Warning** this series of blog posts talk about depression, despair, hallucinating, death and attempted suicide.
Recently I have been suffering from mental health issues. In fact I think I can honestly say it has been affecting me since before Summer Solstice 2017. There is so much more to this than I can possibly go into, but the basics of it is that I came up against a situation that I thought I could cope with - and even ignore at times - and I was wrong. Very, very wrong it seems.
Something I have come to realise is that you can get so stuck into a habit or routine that you don't notice the changes going on around you. You carry on oblivious to the fact that everyone around you is unhappy and you may very well be the cause of it all. In this situation, I was the cause. I was the person who made life intolerable for those around me and I was the one who drove people I loved away. It was a cruel and very slow process and one that I revisit every few years. I thought that it was over as it had been so long since I had last been awakened to the fact that I was inadequate and horrible, impossible to live with and impossible to love.
This is something that I should never have allowed myself to forget. Trusting myself to be capable of a normal, healthy relationship was stupid. I should have always been on my own and this is something that I plan for the future. I will be me, no one else will have a say. Even if there are relationships in my future there will never be living together, there will never be another occasion where I am dependant on someone else and rely on them for anything. The only person who gets the job of looking after me is me.
Now this isn't the reason for this post. The reason is to share my recent experience. What happened when I allowed myself to approach the edge without any caution to the result. When I scared myself more than I have ever done so in the past. The day that I realised that rock bottom was so much lower than I had thought it was.
I am not after sympathy. I am not blaming anyone and I thought long and hard about even writing this. I want to share this experience, because I feel that it is important for people who are feeling as I did. There was a distinct lack of fear of death in me before this event. It tested my will to live, it tested my faith and it tested every other aspect of my life in its own way.
So, my marriage had ended - this appeared at the time to be a surprise to me, but I was coping. I was dealing with it and it was not all doom and gloom. Then the night came and the voice started. That little voice in your head that is capable of so much good, but also so much damage. I had been laying awake in my bed and I sat thinking about how things were going to be. This is one of my main problems. The thinking. At night. When it is quiet. I don't know how to explain it, but the voice becomes so loud and seems so right that I just cannot argue with it and it had decided that I was completely worthless and that I and everyone around me would be better off if I was dead. I had been here before, many times in the past and occasionally i had acted on it but tonight was different. Tonight it was more serious, more believable, more true.
It is amazing how often your truth can change, my truth was about to change in a big way.
I got out of bed and made my way downstairs. I had a plan - the plan was there before i lifted the covers, it was set in stone. I was going to make everyone else's life better, not being here would do that. I was very much aware that people would be sad at first, but I could see their lives blossoming without me. My son would worry less - he worries about me so much. Nanna would be angry, but I could cope with that. I so desperately wanted to be with Mum and Gramps. That was the only selfish thought i had during the entire process. I get so angry when people talk about the selfishness or the sin of taking your own life. It is not selfish - it is the most selfless act a person commit - or that is how they are thinking at the time. I have never wanted to end my life for me. It has always been about making other people's lives better.
I think it is something that is programmed into us at a young age and some of us take it more to heart than others. Make other people's lives better - don't make them worse. When you feel like you are making peoples lives worse it feels horrendous. It feels like the worst thing in the world. My worst nightmare is to have a really detrimental effect on someone's life. To make their life bad. It is also something I do, all the time. That is how I feel. How I have felt every day since puberty. I am terrified of being told this and every now and then someone says it, but I always feel it. A moment of anger or the result of a long term breakdown of a relationship can bring this reality to me and just give me the nudge I need.
Anyway. Back to the story. I sat very calmly with a glass of milk and took 96 sleeping tablets and 24 cocodomol. The plan had been to slowly drift off to sleep as everything slowly shut down. This is not what happened. That night was the most horrific of my life and it was the worst thing I have or could possibly ever put anyone else through. I will never be able to ask for forgiveness for this because it can never truly be given.
Shortly after finishing taking the tablets, I had a moment - a long moment of regret. This however was overruled by how much better off people would be if I was gone. It took about three hours, and the dogs coming into the living room and panicking, for me to even tell anyone what I had done. I wasn't ashamed. I was torn between not wanting to tell him and needing to say goodbye. I was still awake and that was something I was not expecting at all - after all i took bloody sleeping pills.
Suki, the jack russell sat nudging my hand. I asked her to get Daddy, but she would not leave me. Eventually i called him and he came downstairs. I think this is where the hallucinations started and it was also soon to be when the spontaneous screaming started.
This is only one part of my story and as I am writing this now, it is obvious how it ends - isn't it? I am here and I feel the need to help people in a similar situation to me. I am not here to encourage you to do what I did. I now have very strong thoughts on the subject. But I feel the need to be relatable for someone who is in that very very dark place to recognise in this post what they are feeling so that they feel that they can ask for help.
Part two of this story can be found here.
If you can relate to any of what I have written about so far then please, please, please ask for help. There is a list of links below but I am also here if you just want to talk and I can promise that I will not in any way judge, I will listen. You see I understand that every point of view is valid so long as there is no ignorance seated behind that opinion. I also understand that this disease is capable of making each and every thought twist and turn in your head until it is black and dripping with every possible doubt you have ever possessed.