**Possible Trigger Warning** this series of blog posts talk about depression, despair, hallucinating, death and attempted suicide.
The first part of this series can be found here.
In the first part I talked very much about thoughts and feelings. I hope the point of how calm and right it all felt came across, if not, know that I was convinced that this was not only what I wanted to do but what I had to do for the good of others.
I will continue to be honest with you, but please read it knowing that I was hallucinating and although it was all very real to me, it was not all real. I lived it, I believed it and parts of it are still stuck in that place where I am unsure - others I am 100% happened and some I am equally aware that they didn't happen. It is important for the sake of story telling that I write as if it was all true because it was my truth.
I am very much aware that I am about to disclose things that could attract judgement - even I find myself judging the things I did. Please understand how much sharing this experience is taking out of me and recognise that negative comments are not required.
I spent so long living this nightmare and it started before the end of the last post so I will take you back a bit.
Before I took the tablets, I had done my research. Google is dangerous in this way. You can find anything out. I am not going into details as to why, but I was able to plan which tablets I took from the information I gained.
Anyway, I had read all sorts of information and a lot of it appears to have been wrong for the medication combination I took. I was expecting to slowly drift to sleep and for my body to slowly shut down. This is how the hallucinations started. I felt so much that night. But at the start I felt what I expected. It became harder to breathe - but not in a bad way. Everything slowed down. My breathing became shallow and quiet. I felt as if the muscles were giving up, slowing down. My heart on the other hand was beating so fast it actually hurt. This was fine. I expected it. I felt myself start to smile as everything started to feel heavy. My eyes lids were heavy, my limbs were heavy. It was very much like when you meditate. It was peaceful.
I think this is one of the reasons that I decided to call Dan. I was going to die peacefully so it wouldn't hurt him too much to see it. The thing is, once he was downstairs sat with me, holding me, it wasn't peaceful at all.
Dan went into panic and ran around the house saying a name over and over again while looking for his phone. He then called that person. Had I not been in the frame of mind I was in this could well have broken me, but it didn't. It confirmed that what I had done was the right thing to do. As the panic settled he called for an ambulance.
While Dan was on the phone, my breathing changed and became very loud, those of you who have witnessed death would have recognised the sound immediately. It was louder than I had ever heard it before but it was unmistakable. This made me so very happy. I was going to see my Gramps. I had expected to have seen him before now but I was going to see him soon. I was going to be able to hug my mum. Something I rarely did when she was alive. I would be making up for that. The light place would be back soon. I felt a sudden sense of calm.
I have seen banshees depicted in films and on stage and the scream is always piercing and haunting. It had nothing on the noise I started to make. I lost control of my whole body and as it convulsed I made the most haunting noise I had ever heard. This repeated itself over and over again for what seemed the longest time. It was so very loud that I must have woken at least one set of neighbours. Dan dropped the phone and tried to stifle me. He obviously wanted the noise to stop and kept trying to prevent the noise from coming out. It didn't work. I will never forget the look on his face - it will haunt me forever.
This is where my mood changed. The peaceful and quiet death that I had been expecting was gone. It was now violent and scarring to Dan who was with me. All I could think was that all he would remember would be that noise. No words could accurately describe the scream and how it made you feel on hearing it. It was also the first point that I questioned my faith.
You see the scream put me in mind of Hell. Now as a Pagan, I do not believe in Hell, but at this point I was starting to question my beliefs. The light place wasn't here and I hadn't seen any of my dead loved ones. Was i about to be punished for all eternity? Still, although not happy and calm about it by this point, I still felt that I was doing the right thing. Even if I was going to be punished for all eternity the people I loved wouldn't know and would be happy again. It seemed a value of sorts. I guess the framework of Catholicism stay with you long after you think you have left them behind.
Amazingly, death still did not scare me. I was only scared for what I had done to Dan. The ambulance arrived. I don't remember much except them making me walk to the van. I also remember dying. I felt the whole process. My breathing slowed, i felt my life slipping away. I actually felt my lungs empty and then I felt the last act we ever carry out on this plain. I felt a comforting warmth as my bladder emptied. But I was still here and it was all starting again. Right back to the death rattle.
I didn't want Dan in the ambulance with me. The screams had put me on edge about the effect that I was having on him and I wanted to protect him from anything else that was left to come. I was still convinced that I was dying. I would see Gramps soon. I would hear Mum. I would go to the light place. Everyone would be so much happier without me. Dan could be where he wanted to be and I would not be standing in the way. Terry would not have to worry about me - he worries about so much and he would thrive and do so well. Even the dogs would be happier without me shouting at them all the time.
Of course the paramedics ignored me and Dan sat with me holding my hand. I kept realising that I was looking at him and being convinced I was dying and the need to protect him made me turn away, repeatedly. I kept finding myself making eye contact and then reminding myself that he wouldn't want to see the life slip away so I would close my eyes or turn away.
During the ambulance journey I started to have seizures. No one is sure how many I had, but there were a few. I don't remember them, but I guess that goes with the territory. I called for Gramps, I so desperately wanted to see him. I so desperately wanted to smell him and hear his voice. I was beginning to convince myself that I was being punished, punished for the horrible person I was, for the horrible things I had done to people and the horrible effect I had on every life around me. The following day I even told the mental health nurse that I sail though life ruining people and their lives and leaving them broken behind me - I still strongly believe this, at times.
Obviously this is a brief overview of events. It is how I remember it and it is about to get scary. Not in a horror film kind of way, but in a way that is possibly only terrifying to me. I need to take a break now so I will leave this here and probably pick it back up in A&E. It is hard to believe, but at this point I still felt that I deserved to die, that I was helping people by dying and that everything was going to get a lot better for everyone I loved. I had started to feel that I was being tested and that I was going to pass those tests - after all I had ignored the doubt and the overly compelling feeling that I had to ask for help before it was too late. I had waited until it was too late - I was going to be rewarded. I was just being tested.
If you can relate to any of what I have written about so far then please, please, please ask for help. There is a list of links below but I am also here if you just want to talk and I can promise that I will not in any way judge, I will listen. You see I understand that every point of view is valid so long as there is no ignorance seated behind that opinion. I also understand that this disease is capable of making each and every thought twist and turn in your head until it is black and dripping with every possible doubt you have ever possessed.